How does anyone really have a plan for life?

For as long as I can remember, I never really had a clue about life or planning for one. I grew up in a violent and chaotic household with two older brothers and a younger sister. My parents were older while most of my friends had younger parents. They didn’t have a lot of friends so we were not very social. I think that part of how non-social I am is that I never really had the best teaching on how to be a friend that and sall my mistakes have ended my confidence to keep trying. I know my anxiety just grew and grew till it has now overwhelming. I have given more and more of my self esteem to my past relationships…starting with my childhood best friend Cathy. Mistake after mistake…I have even driven away my sister with my social mistakes. Been hospitalized a couple of times for loosing my mind and wanting to die. Anxiety has been the worst it’s ever been but I have my boys that need me to be sane. I am angry with myself my neighbor an co-worker and even an ex or two. My oldest son has been diagnosed with Aspergers. At least now I can understand something’s about myself….that and horrible social anxiety. My boys keep me alive. If I kill myself, my oldest would never get past it. My youngest would be ok but his Dad would turn in into a redneck clan member. I love them too much to let them down. I just don’t want them too disappointed with me.